In a Nutshell
Almost everyone sincerely
believes that he or she listens effectively. Consequently, very few
people think they need to develop their listening skills. But, in
fact, listening effectively is something that very few of us do.
It's not because listening effectively is so difficult. Most of us
have just never developed the habits that would make us effective listeners.
Research has found that
by listening effectively, you will get more information
from the people you manage, you will increase others' trust
in you, you will reduce conflict, you
will better understand how to motivate
others, and you will inspire a higher level of commitment
in the people you manage.
In This Issue
You
Probably Don't Listen as Effectively as You Think You Do ... and You Probably
Don't Know It
A study of over 8,000 people
employed in businesses, hospitals, universities, the military and government
agencies found that virtually all of the respondents believed that they
communicate as effectively or more effectively than their co-workers.1
(Could everyone be above average?) However, research shows that the
average person listens at only about 25% efficiency.2
While most people agree that listening effectively is a very important
skill, most people don't feel a strong need to improve their own skill
level.3
Why Effective Listening Matters
To a large degree, effective
leadership is effective listening. A study of managers and employees
of a large hospital system found that listening explained 40% of the variance
in leadership.4 That's a big correlation by social science
standards (like r = .63).
Effective listening is a
way of showing concern for subordinates, and that fosters cohesive bonds,
commitment, and trust.
Effective listening tends to reduce the frequency of interpersonal conflict
and increases the likelihood that when conflicts emerge they will be resolved
with a "win-win" solution. In addition, if you listen to the people
you manage, you will learn "what makes them tick." When you know
what makes them tick, you will be more effective at motivating them.
You can encourage them when they need encouraging, and you will know what
kinds of things they value as rewards for a job well done (e.g., public
praise, autonomy, challenge, etc.).
What Effective Listening Is
Effective listening is actively
absorbing the information given to you by a speaker, showing that you are
listening and interested, and providing feedback to the speaker so that
he or she knows the message was received. Delivering verbal communication,
like writing a newsletter, involves trying to choose the right words and
nonverbal cues to convey a message that will be interpreted in the way
that you intend. Effective listeners show speakers that they have
been heard and understood.
How
the Most Skilled Communicators Respond When Listening
The most skilled communicators
match their responses to the situation. In discussions with the people
you manage, it helps to differentiate the coaching situations from the
counseling situations. Coaching
is providing advice and information or setting standards to help your employees
to improve their skills and their performance. Counseling
is helping subordinates recognize and address problems involving their
emotions, attitudes, motivation, or personalities.
The most common mismatch
of response types to situations is the tendency a lot of us have--myself
included--to give advice or deflect in a situation where counseling
is appropriate. When you are counseling, "reflecting" and "probing"
are usually more appropriate responses than "advising" or "deflecting."
Reflecting.
As mentioned above, when we listen we should show the other party that
what they are saying to us is being heard. Since we can think at
about four times the speed that speakers can speak, our brains have a lot
of capacity that can be used to process the meaning of what's being said.
Reflecting is paraphrasing back to the speaker what they said. A
lot of us have difficulty with this skill. Reflecting without sounding
phony or like a parrot takes creativity and lots of practice.
Reflecting can take other
forms than paraphrasing back to someone what was just said. For instance,
a listener can summarize what he or she heard and also take the conversation
a step further by asking a question for clarification or elaboration.
We often notice when we
reflect during a conversation that the meaning we have ascribed to what
we've heard was not really what the speaker intended to convey. When
speakers hear us reflect, they get a chance to correct any misunderstanding
that we have. That proves that this technique does truly clarify
communication.
For most of us, it takes
a lot of practice before we become natural and effective at reflecting.
Our first few efforts may sound forced, phony, patronizing, or as one of
my MBA students put it, "moronic." However, that doesn't mean we
should give up learning how to reflect. Over time, we can all learn
to do it naturally and effectively.
Probing.
In addition to reflecting, the most skilled communicators' responses in
counseling situations involve a lot of probing. Probing means asking
for additional information. Not all questions you might ask will
be effective. Avoid questions that challenge what has been said because
that will put the speaker on the defensive (e.g., "How could you have thought
that?"). In addition, a question that changes the subject before
the current subject is resolved isn't effective communication. Effective
probing is nonjudgmental and flows from what was previously said.
Good probing questions ask for elaboration, clarification, and repetition
(if, for instance, an important question you asked wasn't answered).
Deflecting.
Deflecting responses shift the discussion to another topic. When
we deflect from what we've been told, rather than acknowledging it, we
can unintentionally communicate that we haven't listened and that we aren't
interested. Deflecting shows that we're preoccupied with another
topic.
Many of us deflect unwittingly
by sharing our personal experiences when we should be focusing on the other
party. Think about this from the speaker's perspective: When you
share a concern with someone and they respond by telling you about themselves,
do you feel like they are interested in listening to you? The responder
gives you the impression that they aren't even listening, and that they
just want to talk about themselves. Sometimes we mention our own
experiences as a way of saying that we can relate to the speaker's experiences.
Our intention is to say, "You're not alone." But, when we tell our
stories we risk sending a message that we aren't listening and don't care.
Don't be a topper--the kind of person who can tell a story to top
any story that they're told. We all know a topper, don't we?
In a small way, toppers are trying to communicate that they are superior.
That's not supportive!
This is not to say that
sharing your experiences is never helpful. On the contrary, mentors
often help their protégés by relating their own experiences
as a way to reassure their protégés that their concerns are
normal and that their problems are solvable. But, in counseling situations,
be careful to use deflecting only at appropriate times.
Speakers may not know that
you have heard and understood what they have said if you deflect by moving
on to another topic or shifting the focus to yourself or your own experiences.
The best listeners keep deflecting to a minimum.
Advising.
Did you know that you can offend some people by giving them advice after
they've told you about one of their concerns? In fact, Deborah Tannen's
research has found that this problem is particularly common between men
and women in the workplace.5 Women often discuss their
problems and concerns with men just as a means of developing interpersonal
bonds. It's a way of making conversation that goes a little deeper
than small talk (because it's personally revealing), and it can help foster
a mutually supportive relationship. When men respond by giving advice,
they may believe they are being helpful to their female counterparts.
But, when no advice is solicited, providing it is actually a little presumptuous.
When you tell someone how they should solve their problems you assume a
position of superiority, not mutuality.
Of course, being supportive
often involves giving advice. My point is that we should (a) recognize
that sometimes people share their problems with us just because they want
us to listen, and (b) advising people who tell us about their problems
can sometimes be taken as condescending or belittling. Sometimes
it's better to just reflect.
Typical
Objections to These Effective Listening Techniques
As I teach these principles
to managers on and off campus, I hear a lot of objections to using them.
Here are three common objections:
Practicing This Management
Skill
Fortunately for those of
us who want to develop our listening skills, we get lots of opportunities.
To develop your listening skills, plan to use the response type that you
think you need to emphasize (e.g., reflecting) and plan to avoid using
the response types that you want to de-emphasize (e.g., advising).
Then, after you have a conversation, evaluate how effective you were at
giving good responses as a listener. Identify what went well and
where the opportunities for improvement are. Think about what that
challenges to being an effective listener were and how you can deal with
those challenges more effectively next time.
Monday mornings are a perfect
time to practice your effective listening. Just start a conversation
with a co-worker or employee by saying, "How was your weekend?" From
there, just probe and reflect. In ten minutes, you can actually get
to know the other person a little better and show that you're interested
in them.
Kids seem to be willing
to let us practice our effective listening. Seems like if you ask
kids questions, reflect their answers back to them and probe a little further,
they really open up. It's like you're their new best friend because
you've shown an interest in them. They'll forgive us if we sound
a little patronizing--they're used to it.
Making a tape recording
of a conversation, if you can find a willing partner, can also help you
evaluate your performance. With a tape of a conversation, you can
examine each response you give in detail, without relying on your memory.
Notes
1. Haney, W. V. (1979). Communication and interpersonal
relations. Homewood, IL: Irwin.
2. Husman, R. C., Lahiff, J. M., & Penrose, J. M. (1988).
Business
communication: Strategies and skills. Chicago: Dryden Press.
3. Spitzberg, B. H. (1994). The dark side of (in)competence.
In W.R. Cupach & B. H. Spitzberg (Eds.), The dark side of interpersonal
communication. Hillsdale, NJ: Erlbaum.
4. Kramer, R. (1997). Leading by listening: An
empirical test of Carl Rogers's theory of human relationship using interpersonal
assessments of leaders by followers. Doctoral dissertation, The
George Washington University.
5. Tannen, D. (1995). Talking from 9 to 5: Women
and men in the workplace: Language sex and power. New York: Avon.
Additional Sources and References
Robbins, S. P. (2000).
Managing
today!, (2nd ed.). Englewood Cliffs, NJ: Prentice Hall.
Whetten, D. A., & Cameron,
K. S. (2002). Developing management skills, (5th ed.).
Upper Saddle River, NJ: Prentice-Hall.
About the Photo
George W. Bush (news - web
sites) listens to a young member of the audience during the White House
Tee-Ball game between the Bolling Air Force Base Cardinals and the Cherry
Point Marine Corps Air Station Devil Dogs on the South Lawn of the White
House in Washington. (AFP/Brendan Smialowski).
About the Newsletter
and Subscriptions
LeaderLetter is written
by Dr. Scott Williams, Department of Management, Raj
Soin College of Business, Wright State University, Dayton, Ohio.
It is a supplement to my MBA 751 - Managing People in Organizations class.
It is intended to reinforce the course concepts and maintain communication
among my former MBA 751 students, but anyone is welcome to subscribe.
In addition, subscribers are welcome to forward this newsletter to anyone
who they believe would have an interest in it. To subscribe,
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E-mail Your Comments
Whether you are one of my
former students or not, I invite you to share any insights or concerns
you have regarding the topic of this newsletter or any other topic relating
to management skills. Please e-mail
them to me. Our interactions have been invaluable. I
learn a lot from LeaderLetter subscribers! Let's
keep the conversation going.
SIGNS FOUND IN KITCHENS:
- I clean house every other day. Today is the other day!
- So this isn't Home Sweet Home.... Adjust!
- Ring bell for maid service. If no answer, do it yourself!
- If you write in the dust, please don't date it!
- A clean kitchen is the sign of a wasted life.
- I came. I saw. I decided to order take out.
- If you don't like my standards of cooking, lower your standards.
- Apology. Although you'll find our house a mess, come in, sit down,
converse. It doesn't always look like this. Some days it's even worse.
- A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious.
- If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast and cheap.
- A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
- Help keep the kitchen clean. Eat out.
- My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines
